We held hands, laced fingers, traded shy smiles under the stars and went for walks down sweet-scented roads. We picked out our houses and decided to grow lots of plants in our front yard one day. We all slept together, embracing and entwining our bodies, so tight-knit, one heart beat. I felt safe in your arms, in the arms of that summer with you. The sun was shifting through the blinds and I made the lights dance across the room by tapping on them, I was intrigued, it made a soft clack clacking noise as they swung from side to side and you grabbed my hand and hid it in yours. Light played across your face as a smile bloomed on your lips and I wanted to kiss you and taste love, affection, for the first time. My heart was pumping so fast, hammer hammer, it almost hummed - but I never did brush my lips against yours in the summer rays, only hidden in dark bedrooms with loud music and laughter. All the same, that day sticks out in my memory. You smelled like laundry detergent and deodorant and I couldn't keep a smile off my face as I felt my hand in yours, warmth spread from your fingertips to mine as if by magic and I felt like I had a piece of you with me. As the days turned gray and cold I grew familiar with your hands and they hung heavy and limp, like stones, in mine as we marched habitually around together, not talking, not feeling - but they came alive as smoke creeped around us during the night, and I played with your elephant fingers, making them bellow and trump loudly, laughing and kissing each fingertip while Kristina blew smoke rings into the ceiling. In a way, we were all in love with each other. She glowed golden and her eyes were bright blue circles, happiness enveloped us all like the smoke she exhaled daily. We danced in her livingroom until all hours of the night and ate Little Ceaser's pizza while watching pornography, took long walks and discovered new places, new feelings, new identities. Maybe we weren't in love with each other so much as we were in love with that summer - it held us safe under it's wing and loved us tenderly, kissed our eyelids as we fell asleep in the grass under a sky dribbled with stars, wishing stars.
I wished for you a million times. A billion times, a trillion times.
I've never felt so safe. It was a summer fling - not between you and I, but between the summer and all three of us. It hugged us close, kept us warm, loved us tenderly and dumped us into spring without a second glance. I know it doesn't miss us like I yearn for it. I should have left a Hansel and Gretal crumb trail back to our tree in the center of the sky, but I was so wooed and in love with everything that I forgot to be wary and swallowed the bread whole while distractedly staring at the green in your eyes. We had our cake and ate it too, and now we're all paying for it. No summer will ever be as great or as perfect, I will never be loved the same way again.
All I can see is our faces through the camera lens, laughter etched in our skin and smiles on our tongues. It makes me love you all the more.
I should have wished for that summer to never end because I already had you. A million times, a billion times, a trillion times - you were mine.